It's a Really Deadly Sin .. .

As iron is eaten by rust, so are the envious consumed by envy. ~Antisthenes
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I wanted to write about jealousy and envy. It's an issue that I deal with quite a bit; when others seem to have what I want, I feel a little twinge of envy. I acknowledge it, affirm that I'm happy for them, and go on about my business. But each of the five or six times I started this entry, I couldn't get far because it kept turning into the equivalent of a digital temper tantrum.

WHY CAN’T I FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE ME??????????

WHY CAN E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E ELSE FIND SOMEONE BUT NOT ME????????????

WHY OH WHYYYYYYYYYYYY AM I SO ALOOONE?

POOOOOOR POOOOOOR PITIFUL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????????? etc, etc, etc . . . (it didn’t help matters much that this past weekend two people I know got engaged and another good friend FINALLY hooked up with a longtime crush)

I couldn't figure out why this issue had me so stuck, … So I started researching. I’m kind of a quotation junkie, so I first started looking for quotations about jealousy and envy to start this entry and inspire me. Couldn’t find anything that really spoke to how I was feeling .. . . so then I looked to music. Are there any songs that say how I feel? No luck there either. Then I found it. . . a quote by a little known (by me, anyway) British Actress named Jennifer James:

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.

“If you cannot love yourself . . . you will not believe that you are loved.” . that resonated with me.

Do I love myself?
--I like myself.
--I think I’m pretty cool. . . .
But do I LOVE Me???

This quandary led to the next step of my research. I googled “How do you love yourself?” and that led me to How to Love Yourself. Along with the predictable affirmations and whatnot was the suggestion to Share Yourself.

So this is where I start. . . sharing.

I feel better already.

Deferring the Dream

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

--A Dream Deferred

Langston Hughes

As I start to write this I break down into tears. It was like any other day, actually better than most. Went to work, got there earlier than usual because it's a good habit I'm trying to build. Got a big project out of the way, and earned some comp time hours I can use later for some fun.

But on the way home, as I ran to catch the last bus of the day that I almost missed because I was caught up in my project. . .. I realized that this is it. I have a nice home, and a good job. Although I'm in more debt than I wish to be, I make enough money. I have friends who love me. To some I have it all.

But today I realized, deep down in the place that I don't access very much, that HE is probably not coming and that I'm really, really tired of wishing for HIM to arrive. Maybe I'll be one of those women who get married for the first time at 85 and make the cover of the local paper. But it's like the lottery . . . possible, but not probable.

And let me get it straight. I'm not one of those single women who is sitting here waiting for her Prince to to come save her from a feline filled spinsterhood, harboring hope chests full of linens, and notebooks full of plans for a wedding that rivals that of Lady Di's. I have a life.

But here's the rub. Although I have a life, I've saved a little part for HIM. When I'm hanging out doing what I do, I wish HE were there to share it with me. Or I imagine that HE is right around the corner on the verge of entering my life and changing it forever. But today, I don't believe he's coming any time soon. And my tears are not sadness, well, I suppose I am a little sad. But its mostly frustration. Because although I accept that I might be alone forever, like the lottery, I still buy a ticket now and then. I still haven't given up that dream that one day, I'll have that love that I want so bad.

So what do I do with this deferred dream? Right now, it is hanging around my neck like a heavy load. It is my burden. I am that statistic that so many news reports and magazine articles have covered lately. Educated, Black, over 40, single and childless. And lonely as hell.  I'm not advocating staying in a wrong relationship to avoid this feeling, but to quote Chris Rock. I understand.

Its funny, married people like to complain about being married. They like to look at my life and tell me how good I have it, because I travel, take fun classes, go to plays, and can be quite spontaneous. But what they don't realize is that I'm not single because I want to live a footloose life with no responsibilities. I live this life because it's a better alternative to sitting at home, alone like I am right now wishing I had someone to cook for in my newly remodeled kitchen. I don't have kids who need braces . . .so I go to Europe. But guess what, I'd rather be at the orthodontist.